December 2019, it hit.
Miss Corona came crashing out of the harbours and thrashing around downtown Tokyo!
Wait, this isn’t Godzilla… THAT would’ve been awesome!
Like an unexpected visit from the King of Monsters, nobody saw this pandemic coming, but more importantly, nobody expected the sexual drought that came along with it!
Social distancing, the first rule of the pandemic, ruined all the fun from the start. All the parks quickly closed, and as a community, we could no longer take the example set before us by our elders: cruising.
People in the app game (Grindr, Scruff, etc) also took things very seriously suggesting photo swaps or “camming” instead of the usual, in-person hook-up, but a large number of gay men haven’t and are still not complying – trysts have exploded around the City of Toronto!
Secret sex parties are popping up like Gremlins out of the back of a moist Mogwai, Hunny. Only now, instead of dodging the usual STIs we’ve mostly all learned about (or experienced), people are evading the transmission of Miss Corona herself! She can’t sit with us! But we can’t let her win, either. We must continue to enjoy the activities that for so many of us generate both physical and mental release and care but we have to do it safely for not only ourselves but those around us. After all, loving one another is our birthright – HUZZAH!
Flash forward to May 2020. Governments have been halted. Public health strategies have been employed. Social distancing is still meant to be alive and well (though some people must have forgotten) and we’re STILL in a full-blown lockdown situation… Spring fever arrives on the scene bursting from our loins with primal, animalistic urgency. And now. it’s summer! Suns out, guns out, and I’m ready for both!
So how do we navigate these uncertain waters? Will my body become angry with me? What about the unspoken pandemic of serious carpal tunnel and tennis elbow resulting from too much personal stimulation?! The questions are endless!
Recently, the NYC Public Health department (a superhuman agency of brilliance), released some strategies, God bless, in order to help us “take care during sex.”
It was meant to be serious… then I found it:
- Kissing can easily pass the virus.
Well, duh! An exchange of saliva is a sure-fire way to contract most respiratory ailments. This, however, has a larger implication for those of us who like to greet each other like we’re nobility in the Spanish Court: cheek kisses are certainly out.
- Rimming (mouth on the anus) might spread the virus.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felted personally victimized by the NYC public health department! My suggestion? GET A DENTAL DAMN! If you’re legitimately concerned about using a latex barrier during various oral activities, remember that it does certainly reduce the risk of coming into contact with microbes.
- Wear a face covering or mask.
I know this totally ruins the fun, maybe get creative? Ever wanted your partner to look like Chris Pine as Cpt Kirk (no, I’ve never…) or Zoe Saldana as Lt Uhura with a snatched high-pony? Print out their face, tape it to a paper bag and VOILÀ – instant compromise.
- Make it a little kinky.
This is the suggestion that had the internet roaring with laughter. Why? The NYCPH suggested “physical barriers, like walls” as a means to restrict face to face contact. Absolutely. Many traditional religious practices also include a physical barrier during sex so this isn’t anything new friends. Put a hole in it and get ‘er done.
- Masturbate together.
Who doesn’t like a good mutual masturbation moment? This is what some of us were taught in Grade 7/8 Sex Ed. Mutual masturbation allows you to experience each other at a safe distance AND can be done over the internet or FaceTime (if you’re being extra careful). Don’t get catfished, kids. Try turning it into a game! Orgasm Target practice? Maybe roleplay a Cam4 private cam interaction using Monopoly money as a tip! Just the tip, of course.
- Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with bodily fluids.
Rain jackets, hip waders, beekeeping suits and if you’re really old school, maybe a diving bell? In all seriousness, see my suggestion for list item number 2.
- Washing up before and after sex is more important than ever.
I feel like all of the piggies out there are feeling totally attacked right now. Be a gentleperson: sink-wash your meat (this means everyone). We all like a clean workspace. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PIGGIES? Don’t use scented soap. I’m sure the sensory experience you’re after will linger post absolution. Oink!
The reality is this list is pretty comprehensive. Human sexuality cannot be stopped by a pandemic! The thirst is real and everybody is looking like a sexy bottle of Gatorade right now. I know I need my electrolytes! And more importantly, for those of us who are struggling with isolation and feelings of loneliness, these guidelines can help keep you safe in your quest for deliverance. No shame in the game.
Consent is still the initial step of sex. Meaning: If a person is uncomfortable to meet or expresses concern – do not force, manipulate or coerce a connection. Long periods of isolation can cause people to become desperate and vulnerable to suggestions. This is just common decency on a regular day!
Wrapping up, we’ve made it this far together, and while there have been ups and downs, this experience has caused different challenges for each and every one of us; in turn, people have digested these challenges in their own ways! Now is the time to (safely) come together so we can cum together.